Lastnight, i was googling reviews on the Indulgy website, which is one of those Pinterest imitators, wondering if its worth a join and it led me to a great article on the top 6 sites like Pinterest on Paperblog. I get to the end of the article and im not sure why but an article on revisiting historical sites in New York state caught my eye. Now, i used to live NY adjacent (Southern Ontario) but now live across the atlantic and am not planning any trips to NY in the near future so id have no reasonable interest in reading this article, but the first five words of said article told me to check it out….
Reading through the post, i just kept thinking. I like this woman. I need to read more. I wonder how much she’s lost. She cant be as big as me. Then I saw her…well her back in 2010. She is as big as me! 385lbs of her. im at 384 today. Now i have to find out more about her..how much as she lost? how has she done it? surgically? now im not diminishing weight loss through surgery but its not what i want for myself. i want it naturally. and this woman is doing it! has done it.
I read almost every single one of her posts lastnight. i am her, she is me, we are united in fatdom and weight-loss struggles.
there is nothing more motivating and inspiring than finding someone who weighs the same as you and knowing they did it. seeing people who weigh less than you lose weight can sometimes be unmotivating, because they are already smaller than you. and seeing people who weigh more when youre close to 400lbs, usually means youre watching a tv program on morbidly obese people being cut out of homes and put in hospitals. being on the cusp of that should be motivation enough but denial is a wicked blinder.
Wendy has written a series of ‘Life at 385’ on her blog which spoke to me. having to haul your feet up by your pant leg, being fearful of seating in public, clothes shopping, etc. i cant tell you how wonderful it was reading that someone else experienced those things too. and knowing that she wasnt suffering that bullshit anymore meant maybe i could dig my way out too.
it doesnt feel like living when you would rather sit at home with your husband and cats than go out to dinner for fear the seats might have arms or you may have to sit in a booth that you cant fit in.
thank you, Wendy. thank you for showing me it can be done!!
probably because i’ve not had many experiences with them but mostly because there really isnt anything you can say to someone who is suffering. you cant assure them that everything will be ok because then you feel like shit when its not. you cant tell them theyll get through it because what if its so bad that they cant? you can apologize but that just doesnt cut it.
i just sent her a text telling her i love her and im here for her…if she wants me to do the laundry or just wants a shoulder to lean on. thats the best i could come up with.
my friend might be really sick. no one knows anything yet. she’s in the testing phase. biopsies, PET scan, ct scan, blood tests and eventual surgery no matter the results.
both of her parents died of cancer. she’s scared shitless.
her husband is scared shitless. we all are. i know we’re not the only ones.
i’ve never been exposed to this before. ive never directly known anyone with cancer or gone through this possibility of cancer stuff before. i guess im a lucky one.
my husbands mother died of cancer years before i met him. he said they never told her she had it, she was terminal. died within 3 months of her diagnosis.
so he doesnt know what to say either.
i guess we just keep hugging and waiting for her to speak first.
as sad as this sounds, we are all acting positive. its most likely just a cyst, benign and beautiful.
she WILL be ok, she’s gonna get through it :)
but im not going to bash myself over it. i cant give in to those negative thoughts that come so easily to me. they cant win the fight anymore. or ill never get back on the wagon.
ive stopped exercising and im trying (with my therapist too) to figure out why.
Jo seems to think it could be my comfort blanket, this weight ive put on and when i first put it on in my later teens. a way of keeping safe and keeping others out. not that i had a physically traumatic childhood but i only know what i know. my dad cheated on my mum with one of my best friends mothers. it was a wicked web of deceit and lies, not only by my father towards my mother but he dragged me into the lies as well.
i find i have problems lying now too. not about important things but i lie to make myself sound better than i am, sometimes. how far ive really travelled, how much i like gardening, my reason for leaving university….im so disappointed in who i am that i make up a better sounding me.
i also have major mother issues with which i think most daughters suffer.
i just want to get through this shit so i can get better..get healthier.
how do i keep going? i want to walk and keep walking everyday but i make excuses or sabotage myself subconsciously. in the last 5 weeks since i started this exercising ive twisted an ankle, had a bad flu and some family stuff to deal with that has thrown a monkey wrench into my schedule. the one good thing is i havent put on any weight since i first lost those 4 lbs. ive maintained the loss but not yet added to it.
im open for any advice on staying motivated. im thinking yoga? meditation might help me clear out the negativity.
but im not going to apologize for not being on the computer for the last week or two. ive been living, more than usual and its great!!
also, I HAVE LOST 4 POUNDS THIS WEEK!!!!
woowoo. i feel so proud of myself. a feeling i havent had in a long time. its encouraging and motivating. this is what it feels like to like yourself a little bit.
seriously, someone should jar it up and sell it.
who cares about looking good…feeling this good is worth everything!
ok im gonna go on living, i just wanted to check in. i will be back for a better update but breakfast calls and then for my walk :)
much love for me and YOU!
Love yourself. please, do it. its the greatest love of all.
I live in a quaint Irish town. you know, the ones you see on postcards with all the brightly coloured buildings in the town centre with teeny cobbled roads running around them. its a beautiful (little, to my north american standards) town and one of the larger towns in the country. but it gets boring to walk around ona weekly, nevermind daily, basis so on this journey to a healthier me ive had to figure out where im going to go a walkin’. i dont have my full license nor do we have a running car that i could use to take me to the nice woods on the edge of town for long quiet walks so i have to figure out safe areas for walks where the close proximity of footpath to speeding cars/trucks doesnt put my head at risk of decapitation (seriously, the sidewalks and roads are so small that when a truck or bus go barreling by you cant be on the outer part of the path for fear of having your head knocked off by a side view mirror).
im happy to say ive found a nice walk, for now, that i can do safely with my ipod and also feeds my need for purposeful walking.
theres a nice long road that curves around the estates in this area and the houses on it are the edge of this part of town so behind them are train tracks and farmers fields. one of these houses is actually a donkey sanctuary.
lastnight, i went for my first walk on this journey. it took a lot of ‘psyching up’. the old me is still in there trying to find excuses not to go but im accountable to my therapist and i couldnt come up with a good enough excuse to tell her why i didnt go for the walk, i just got out and got going!
i finally charged my old school ipod, the thick 32gb 3rd gen without touch screen, and made up a little playlist of beastie boys check your head, nikka costa and kings of leon (their best album aha shake heartbreak). i swear, nothing works better at clearing out your head than listening to ‘so whatcha want‘ at full volume with the wind blowing in your face.
so i started walking. i went as far as i could and that was 20 minutes at a good pace for someone my size and it led me right to the donkeys. so i crossed the street and watched them for a minute. so peaceful and sweet with their massive heads and sad eyes. there were only two there lastnight. munching on grass and swishing tails. the smaller of the two looked up and headed my way. id say he was hoping for a treat. when he got to the gate i could see the disappointment in his eyes when he saw me empty-handed. i scratched his head and promised him some crunchy carrots next time.
what a great halfway point for my walks. to be greeted by such a smiley nonjudgemental face. the perfect motivator for me.
i feel like betrayal is the right word for the emotion im experiencing but im not sure its the right accusation. does that make any sense?
i know we cant dictate who our friends are friends with but it’s allowed to hurt our feelings if our best friend is friends with someone who has hurt us deeply, isnt it?
especially when this person they are ‘friends’ with, makes your bestie feel like crap at every turn and yet she still chooses to befriend this person.
i know my best friend can sometimes be a doormat and that is HER issue that she needs to deal with but her actions affect me too.
or should i just suck it up and let it be? it’s not got anything to do with me, her relationship with this person, yet Facebook lets me see their interactions so i let myself get sucked into the drama.
in a perfect world we could tell people who to be friends with and all would be great :)
i guess im allowed to feel what i feel but not let it come between our friendship. its her life, her decision, her mistake.
either im getting better at feeling what i need to feel or im slacking at writing down what it is im trying to feel again.
or of course, as most things are, its a combination of the two.
life is grey. grey grey grey. there really is no black or white.
you cant save someone from her/himself.
think before you speak (type or text, now included)
dont jump to conclusions
you know, we here these clichés all of our lives but until we really experience them, do they ever truly sink into our realities?
its like trying to learn from someone elses mistakes, an impossible task. how can i learn from your wrong? yes, ok somethings as far as common sense is concerned can be learned this way but i mean real life lessons. lessons in love & friendship. lessons in the things we struggle to define not in the tangible. those things are easy to learn. how to budget your finances, how to type with more than just your pointer fingers, how to fold your laundry and put it away as soon as its hot out of the dryer. you know the silly stuff we all know how to do but just dont bother with.
im talking about how to navigate through complex relationships or even to figure out how to filter through all those little voices in our minds that can build us up or tear us down. no one teaches us how to deal with any of those. its a brutal learning curve that most of us will figure out sooner or later and some of us just wont be able to handle.
how fair is that? and then when we do struggle and ask for help, we ar reduced to feeling as though theres something terribly wrong with us and how different we are when infact everyone else is struggling just as much if not more and are too scared to look up let alone ask for help.
it really is true, youth is entirely wasted on the young.