ouch!

bruised and bumped from falling off the wagon.

but im not going to bash myself over it.  i cant give in to those negative thoughts that come so easily to me. they cant win the fight anymore. or ill never get back on the wagon.

ive stopped exercising and im trying (with my therapist too) to figure out why.

Jo seems to think it could be my comfort blanket, this weight ive put on and when i first put it on in my later teens. a way of keeping safe and keeping others out. not that i had a physically traumatic childhood but i only know what i know. my dad cheated on my mum with one of my best friends mothers. it was  a wicked web of deceit and lies, not only by my father towards my mother but he dragged me into the lies as well.

i find i have problems lying now too. not about important things but i lie to make myself sound better than i am, sometimes. how far ive really travelled, how much i like gardening, my reason for leaving university….im so disappointed in who i am that i make up a better sounding me.

i also have major mother issues  with which i think most daughters suffer.

i just want to get through this shit so i can get better..get healthier.

how do i keep going? i want to walk and keep walking everyday but i make excuses or sabotage myself subconsciously. in the last 5 weeks since i started this exercising ive twisted an ankle, had a bad flu and some family stuff to deal with that has thrown a monkey wrench into my schedule. the one good thing is i havent put on any weight since i first lost those 4 lbs. ive maintained the loss but not  yet added to it.

im open for any advice on staying motivated. im thinking yoga? meditation might help me clear out the negativity.

ill try anything once right now.

~loads of love…

the hook ooooxoooo

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