one whole week since i’ve been here.
there’s no excuse, just pure laziness.
this is my honest space so no bullshit here. ive struggled this week. this has been my sad week. i feel like my emotions are catching up with my logical self and after stifling most of my deep felt emotion for the better part of 33 years it feels very different to start feeling them again. its been physically painful in the core of my body. when i feel sad or angry or anything i usually feel it in and around my sternum and then it shoots up into my throat and then i usually suppress it from there. but lately ive been doing my best to allow myself to feel it before swallowing it down. and when i alow this to happen it almost explodes through my chest and i start crying, hard.
it scares me, the crying. i know crying is natural and ok but i fear the not stopping of the crying. of course it will end. but im still afraid of it.
i also stumbled upon something. it may not be true for anyone else but me. but for me, it’s as clear as day.
ANGER IS A SYMPTOM OF DENIAL.
for me that means, anger isnt an emotion by itself. it mostly (and im sure there are some exceptions as there are to most rules) represents a denial of something.
and maybe its true of most negative emotions.
for example, ive been angry with my mother for a long time. because ive felt she always nags at me to go back to uni or take some classes, lose weight…oh i know it sounds silly now but at the time all i was hearing from her was ‘youre not good enough, be better, im not proud of you, do better’ instead of hearing what she really was saying ‘i love you im proud of you, can you please love and be proud of yourself too and here’s how i think you can achieve that’. and the reason i couldnt hear what she was really saying was because i was in denial that she could be proud of me as i was. i was hearing my own negative thoughts on myself
it may not make sense to anyone else but it really clicked for me and helps me with perspective.
that’s it. my week of emotions. it’s a long road, it’s a hard road but it’s a road that leads to a rewarding life full of happiness and self-love.
~the hook ooooxx