fight the power

its been a few days since ive been here.

there hasnt been anything ive felt like writing about. there’s always stuff going on but the energy has been better spent on resolving issues rather than harping on about them.

i feel good. i had my seventh session with Jo on Wednesday. she really amazes me each time i see her. she changes my perspective so quickly, with just a few words. it’s really been a life changer for me, this therapy.

i have a good friend who suffers from depression & anxiety and has for the duration of our friendship. i dont know her without this disease.
our friendship is more of a mother/daughter connection in which she comes to me to confide in and be nurtured. she looks to me for advice and protection. and i give it without question. and i enjoy doing it. i love her, deeply and i know she feels the same.

there are people in my life that i just feel i was meant to connect with and have in my life forever, she is one of these people.

do i get overwhelmed sometimes and frustrated with the fact that it is a dependent relationship and mostly one-sided? of course i do.
do i lie to her when she asks me if i feel the friendship isnt equal? that im not confiding in her as much as she does with me? hell ya, i lie my ASS off.

why?

because im fearful of what she may feel if i told her the truth of my feelings.

thats where Jo changed everything for me. she said a few words, i cant even remember, that sent me into the realization that im not trusting her enough and for Susan trust is everything. trust is safety. and here i am thinking im being supportive and comforting and all that when in fact everything im doing is the opposite of what i say. or dont say.

to support her growth and her freedom from this disease i need to show her she can be confided in…i need to give her more of me.
i think its more habitual on my part than me actually wanting to keep things from my best friend. its just been our friendship for the last 20 years.

Susan talks, i listen. those are the roles.
used to be the roles.

i think we’re both ready for a change…as scary as it maybe. in time, i hope to be equal with my friend.
in true friendship there is no power struggle.

i dont want the power.

i want friendship.

Love yourself.

the hook ooxoo

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