do you ever find yourself sifting through facebook for former friends? not to become their ‘friend’ again but just to see if their lives are better than yours? if theyre happier than you. secretly hoping theyve not moved on much from where you last left them?
i do it far too often. and its not always as negative as it sounds. for most of them i wish happiness and love and all good things but sometimes when i see they have all that i wonder if they ever miss me. am i forgettable? how easy was it for them to lose me from their day to days. do they ever think about me or the fun we had? do they even hold onto one memory of me? i only think this way towards people who just kind of dropped away from my life..not those friends where the friendship clearly ended and there is nothing left.
is this pathetic or does anyone else do this?
im not longing for their friendship, at least i dont think i am. im not capable of having a bunch of friends. im great with a few close ones i can trust and keep track of.
maybe i do this because my closest friend hasnt really been there for me. its been a one way relationship since the start really. and yes i made the choice to stick by her. she suffers from mental illness and she is a very high maintenance friend. she requires constant attention and coddling. shes much better now but shes still in it and very selfish…thats what mental illness does. it creates highly self absorbed people. the world is out to get them and if youre not catering to them, youre mad or upset with them.
everytime she calls me-which is a rare occasion- she says ‘hi, is this a bad time? am i bothering you? are you mad at me?’ instead of, ‘hey. how are you?’ you know, the way a normal conversation usually begins.
ive created boundaries. ive asked her to please try to stop asking me those questions, if i was angry or upset or busy i would say so or i wouldnt answer the phone.
she has started asking me how i feel about our friendship and if i feel let down. well in a way of course i do but i cant tell her that. it would crush her to pieces and its of no benefit to anyone.
so maybe thats it..my main friendship is with someone who doesnt reciprocate very much in terms of support. so am i seeking that in former friendships where maybe i felt a bit of support?
i have recently-2 years ago- rekindled a friendship with someone who i referred to as, sister, when i would speak of our connection. her presence in my life has always been huge but we lost track over ten years ago and finally our paths reconnected . ten years are a long time. a lot changes and she is so different but also the same in her core. its interesting, our reconnection.
we know so much about one another. so much history is there , yet we are slowly learning how to be friends at this age with ten years of unknown waters between us.
did i seek her out again because of this lack of closeness in my life? definitely. she has already filled my life with so much joy and i know i can count on her for almost anything. i just wish my other friend was capable of the same. i want it and need it from her but ill never push her in to it. ill wait it out..if it comes, great. if not…ill find comfort and support elsewhere.
i need to stop with the facebook stalking. it just makes me feel knotted up inside. those people are out for a reason. facebook isnt fatebook. theyre also a half a world away. i have enough.
no more. make the choice.
the hook xooo